For the past four years, I’ve been trying to heal my attachment wounds.
Self-help podcasts, books, positive affirmations, therapy. Long walks where I overanalyze conversations I’ve had. You know… the whole healing starter pack.
I genuinely thought I was making progress and maybe I was.
The thing no one really tells you about healing attachment issues is that it’s easy to think you’ve healed when there’s no one around to trigger the parts of you that needed healing in the first place.
You’re calm…You’re grounded…You’re secure
Then you start dating someone and suddenly your nervous system is like, “Remember that thing we said we worked through? Surprise!” It’s almost comical lol.
One minute you’re thinking, “Wow, look at all this growth.” The next you’re mentally hitting the eject button because your brain has convinced you of abandonment.
Those moments can make you question everything. Has any of this work actually been working?
However, I think that’s the wrong question. Because every person I’ve dated has unknowingly revealed another part of me I didn’t know still needed attention, another layer that still needed healing and as frustrating as it is, I don’t walk away empty-handed anymore. I walk away understanding myself a little better.
Healing isn’t proving that you’ll never get triggered again. It’s recognizing the trigger, giving yourself grace, and responding a little differently than you did before.
So if you’re feeling discouraged because you thought you’d be “further along” by now, this is your reminder that healing isn’t linear. You’re not back at square one. You’re just meeting another version of yourself, but this version of you has more self-awareness, more tools, and more grace.
Instead of asking yourself, has any of this work actually been working. Maybe a better question to ask yourself is
“How can I do better next time” because that’s what growth looks like.